Let’s face it, rock’n’roll is absolutely and completely stupid and ridiculous. That’s why I love it. And the more stupid and ridiculous it is, the more I like it.
Gimme some lycra clad idiot climbing up a speaker stack screaming about how rock’n’roll they are, or some sweaty Hornbag dancing on a bar carrying on about kebabs and chlymydia (Hi Celia) and I’m in heaven.
Sure I like serious bands, but jeez they’ve gotta be very very fucken good to cut the mustard..... or the cheese. A good bit of cheese with rock’n’roll is also a very good thing.
I can’t go past a dumb and ridiculous band even if they are a bunch of talentless losers. Just as long as they rock and make me giggle. Bonus points awarded for juvenile toilet humour because that’s the best kind of humour.
I just want to be entertained, and I want to have fun.
The sweet spot is where the talent and the stupidity are combined.
This is art in its highest form, and it’s what we in The Vee Bees like to call dumb genius.
Here’s my top ten favourite pieces of rock’n’roll dumb genius of all time. In no particular order.
1 Best Lyric ever:
“Sitting here in my hired tuxedo,
“Do you wanna see my bacon torpedo?” - Motörhead, "Eat The Rich".
2. Poppin Mommas
The first time I saw Poppin Mommas was completely by chance on their home ground in Geelong in the early 90’s.
It was like a religious experience.
The band and punters were all on the same lowlife level. It was total and complete idiocy.
I reckon there was nothing in else in the room except about a million beers and two-and-a-half brain cells.
I got dumber just being there, which is dangerous because I ain’t no rocket surgeon.
Apart from the greatness of The Poppin Mommas, the one thing that sticks in my head about that night was when someone yelled out ‘Footy!’ and the next thing you know everyone is drop punting half full beer cans around the bar. You could barley see the band through the mist of piss and cans.
So once I sobered up I just had to have some more. I got my hands on their EP’s “Slash”, and “Lifestyles of the Pissed and Brainless”, and wasn’t disappointed.
With my hands on these I had the sudden realisation that this wasn’t dumb. This was pure genius! Roll over Albert Einstein.
These two records are the absolute pinnacle of dumb genius and worth owning for the cover art alone.
Genius level 1 is their music: Neanderthal punk rock hit that hits you right where it counts - up the guts. Rough as guts recordings of rough as guts punk rock’n’roll. The best!
Genius level 2 are the band members names: Jim Bob Stink Finger, HG Panelvan, and their trusty ring leader, a potty mouthed Ox Fatugl’y-Cunt.
Ooh la la,a hyphenated name.
(I could have sworn there was an MS Readathon in Poppin Mommas but I must have mixed ‘em up with some other dumb arsed band.)
Genius level 3 is the songs. Amongst them are “I’m Not stupid”, “Rub My Lump”, “Ensuite Love”, “Chainsaw (some cunt stole my chainsaw!)”, “I’ll never Drink That Much Again”, and the yobbo anthem “Vic Cans” which has a thirst inducing sing along chorus:
You don’t need a red one, you don’t need a blue, don’t need interstate shit, cos only Vic will do.
Bloody well should be the national anthem!
The record credits are piss funny too. It turns out the band says no to trough lollies, and prefers Johnson’s Baby Oil. There’s even a phone number listed as The Mommas Hotline. Fuck knows what would happen if you rang that. Someone would probably vomit at you down the phone line…
Viva lé Mommas!
3. Best song title ever
“Bend Over, I’ll Drive” - The Cramps
4. David Lee Roth.
I never ever got into hair metal but David Lee Roth-era Van Halen rocks my socks off. There’s the great songs and killer playing, but the thing that pushes them over the edge is Roth.
Somehow he can pull off being a complete tool while being a lovable goose.
The over-the-top sex symbol two-sizes-too-small Lycra clad hairy chested socks-down-your-trousers high flying scissor kicks are totally hilarious and he knows it, and really hams it up.
Seemingly permanently surrounded by a halo of scantily clad bikini models I love his dumb sexual innuendo too: “I reach down between my legs....... and ease the seat back” Haha. How stupid can you get?
This year I read his autobiography “Crazy From The Heat” and it was a highly entertaining and hilarious showbiz romp. Highly recommended even if you’re not a fan.
I’m pretty sure it was equal parts fact and fiction but that pretty much sums up David LeeRoth - 50% bullshit.
That’s what gets him in my top 10.
He’s currently way past his prime and a slobbering cocaine induced train wreck.
Check out recent live footage for a cringe worthy experience. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry but somehow it adds to the legend of Diamond Dave.
5. Fred Negro
This punk/country/rock legend deserves a top 10 all of his own. He has been a prolific genius for decades and is still going strong. His bands include I Spit on Your Gravy, The Fuck Fucks, and and the criminally underrated Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre.
Concepts like The Goink (when a fly gets in the corner of your eye), and song titles like “I’m a sucker for a song with the words rock’n’roll in it” and we’re only just getting started on his amazing talents.
Chuck in his “Viz” style cartoons and artwork, and combine it with some over the top and completely unnecessary nudity live on stage and now we’re talking.
But there’s more! Add in drummers injured by Fred throwing beer cans backwards over his shoulder, stages being set alight, sex with foodstuffs and now thing are really hotting up.
Who the bloody hell do you have talk to around here about getting this bloke made the head honcho of The Australian Department of The Dickhead?
It might be a bit of a dad joke but one of my favourite lines of his is “I was gonna write a drinking song, but I couldn’t get past the first bar”
Boom boom!
6. Lionel Ritchie
“Oh What a Feeling When You’re Dancing On The Ceiling.”
Are you for real mate?
7. Bon Scott’s cut lunch.
Those tight jeans! Jeezus Christ the bloke must have been in permanent and constant pain.
Are you sure he didn’t die by ball squash?
I can just hear his gonads saying ‘Phew, thank fuck that’s over’ every time he took his jeans off, which supposedly most of the time was to cop a root.
A true legend with a great voice, and excellent lyrics delivered with cheeky larrikin grin. What more could you ask for?
There’s so much good stuff to choose from, but my favourite Bon Scott moment is in the song “Ain’t No Fun Waiting Round to be a Millionaire”.
The lyrics are killer from go to whoah. Bon sets it up nicely carrying on about how he’s so broke living his rock’n’roll lifestyle that he can barely survive.
He’s got holes in his shoes and holes in his teeth. Worse yet he’s got holes in his jeans.
Luckily he’s got a Momma who’s a hummer who’s keeping him alive. There’s patches on his patches on his old blue jeans, that’s when they used to be new and blue and clean.
All legendary stuff. I can hear you singing this song in your head as you’re reading.
But the best bit is when he turns it all on its head in a sarcastic wit which makes me want to go a long way to the shop for a sausage roll.
All of a sudden he’s a millionaire living next door to Howard (not John).
“How you going friend, next door neighbour?”
It took me years to work out the last line because I’m a bit thick, and also because it’s delivered in a drunken laughing mumble, but how can you go past GET YOUR FUCKING JUMBO JET OUT OF MY AIRPORT!
8. Slayer
These days I’ll listen to any style of music but a couple of decades ago I was a one eyed, die hard, head banging muthafucka.
And what’s heavy metal if there’s no devil worship?
It’s compulsory, which is why Christian metal died a death right in the arse.
I guess there’s about a million bands out there that are way more satanic than Slayer, but those other bands are too serious, and all that murder and church burning is taking things way too far.
I mean, make a decision for fuck’s sake. What are ya? A musician or an arsonist?
You can’t be both.
Slayer always had a good dose of cheesiness for me, and I love it when Tom Araya says SATAN!
He’s got the ideal voice for thrash. Intense without being too growly so you can really understand all of that hellfire and hatred.
(I hear he got an A+ in satanic enunciation in year 666.)
The best dumb genius delivery of the word Satan is in the song “Altar of Sacrifice”. There’s actually two Satan’s and the first example is mid song when he goes ‘Soon you will meet the undead, ENTER TO THE REALM OF SATAN!” Haha funny shit, and the way he says that ‘Satan’ gives me some serious movement in the ol’ undercarriage region.
But it gets better! Much better. The second Satan echos out a few times while fading out which makes it about four Satan’s in one, which by my calculations is 19 on the Lucifer scale.
“Learn the sacred words of praise HAIL SATAN, SATAN, Satan, satan....”
9. Best Event
The time the PA fell on some poor bastard at a Mass Confusion gig at The Journo’s Club, Sydney.
10. VeeBees
What are these Top Tens for if you can’t blow your own horn for a minute.
Blow your own horn! Snicker snicker…
I’ve written a lot of shit lyrics and some half decent lyrics but my proudest moment is from the song “I’d Rather Be On A Brewery Tour”.
This one is a double whammy. It’s not only completely stupid but it’s also extremely educational.
People ponder ‘what’s on that blokes mind when he’s havin’ a root?’
Well, when I’m havin’ a root..... I’d rather be on a brewery tour.
Norro is the lead and rhythm dickhead at The Vee Bees rock’n’roll extravaganza. Buy their new Best Of "21 Can Salute" here.
